When the relationship about which you were so sure was dismantled,you can do several things: to buy a box of chocolates and to review all the “Sex and the City”, to drink with friends or – to analyze what went wrong and how you can avoid it.
However, to be honest, no girlfriend, no champagne, or even a whole box of excellent chocolate does not help to get rid of thoughts what you did wrong and whether it was possible to somehow avoid this “pain”. And you swear yourself to be smarter, not to kiss before wedding, and certainly not to kiss on the first date, and definitely not to fall in love until …. But until what? Is there at least some way to predict in advance whether the relationship will be a source of pain or of harmony and happiness?
You can also resort to the help of astorologists or of seances, but it was fun mostly for urban young ladies of the 20th century.
Mistake #1: Following parents.
As a popular wisdom says, “In order to find a soul mate, you must first find the soul”. According to the theory of systemic family therapy, the first stage of development of the family is you yourself. At this stage, you live alone, you learn to provide yourself and communicate with potential partners. After such an experience in the new family you come already at least partially formed. If you create a family, just coming out of the “parent’s nest”, you’ll get a”salad” of norms, rules and methods of interaction taken from your family, and the same set from the partner’s family.
In order to understand what suits you and what does not, what are you willing to tolerate, and what not, what are your own values and goals, it is useful to live independently and to check your own experience obtained from parents. This will allow you to look at potential partners basing on their own values and not through the prism of the views of your parents, which increases the chances of finding a “soul mate”.
This period helps as well to build a proper distance in relationships with parents and avoid their too frequent and active intervention in your family life.Do not neglect the pause!
Mistake #2: Walking twice into the same water
All of us in one way or in another repeat our painful experience, improvising on the basic routine theme.I if you had once an experience of failed relationships that hurt you, then you have chances that sooner or later you will be tempted to choose a partner who will repeat this experience.
To safeguard yourself againstagainst this mistake, honestly look into the past and answer a few questions. Who was your first boyfriend? Why didn’t you get along with him? And is there something in the new friend that vaguely reminds you your ex?
Mistake #3: Mismatch of the goals
Probably every woman had in her life was a man who came to her with the wedding ring, flowers and made her with a serious face proposal. Well, if the goals match, but if you want only a holiday romance and not more?
Psychologists advise: every time you just think about the relationship or meet a man that makes your heart beat faster,honestly answer yourself the question “What do you want from him, really?”.
By the way, the ability to engage in dialogue – to answer your questions and to listen can tell a lot about a man.
Mistake#4: Lack of tolerance
“If a person is able to tolerate and to accept the unpleasant to him things , he will get used to any situation. He will be able to adapt to the partner. If a person is not able to understand, touchy and vindictive, then over the years he will be harder to adapt. Over the years, a man sharpens his characterological traits: Generous become spendthrift and a niggard becomes a miser. Therefore, irritability over the years only grows! Tolerance does not appear. Intolerance, like a time bomb, one day will explode. ”
If you have such a trait of character, try to think that you’re also not perfect or learn some breathing techniques.
Mistake#5: He will be different with me
If the self-examination is finished, you can look at the partner, and from this side assess the chances of your relationship. The easiest way is to look at the person and to ask yourself (and him) some questions.
First Litmus test – is the relations between the partner and his parents and relatives. It is important to listen to yourself in those moments when you witness your partner’s communication with his mother, father, sister or his ex-wife. If in this communication there’s something that you find strange or offensive such as disrespect, neglection or rudeness, it is safe to say that in a year and a half, your partner will start to treat you the same way, and it is unlikely that you’ll like it. Today, he shouts at his sister “Shut up, you fool!” and tells you”Hush, my little bird,” but tomorrow you may be the “fool”.
The second Litmus test is his attitude to money, gifts and debts. Choosing together a gift for someone you can identify what’s your partner’s attitude to the balance between “to take” and “to give.” If he says something like “We’ll buy some souvenir” while you spend few days to think about gifts for loved ones, it’s not your man. Look carefully at the man with you: your core values should coincide, otherwise you will be disappointed.
Mistake #6: I hate your clarinet!
Any addiction – alcohol, tobacco, shopping, eating, religious fanaticism, pathological laziness and others has very little chance of spontaneous healing. Marrying a man, you must understand that you will live with his addictions. And if you don’t like it now, it is likely to be the cause of divorce in future.
As a rule, almost everyone believes that her partner will change and will be different for her, but in fact it’s a rare phenomenon.
Mistake #7: sex, sex, sex…
Should we rely on our feelings about sex in choosing a partner? It is clear that if the first sex is great, it’s out of question: the body sings,the soul flies and it seems that happiness has finally found you. But be sure that sex doesn’t count about everything.
If first sex was rather unfortunate, then it is not so simple as it might seem. Maybe you should try again and give the partner the second, and sometimes third and fourth chance.
Instead of a conclusion
The relationship depends not on the differences between people, but on how people deal with these differences. As many psychologists say today, most people simply do not know how to talk. Sorting out relations is not a dialogue, but is two monologues in which each expresses his claim to another and tries to convince the opponent in his rightness.
A dialogue is to hear and to tell about yourself. If you can do it, then the relationship is likely to be long and strong.